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Monday, June 1, 2015

Monday, Monday

Baby cries.
Nurse baby.
Baby sleeps.
Try to sleep.
Try to sleep.
Try to sleep.
Give up on sleep.
Make coffee.
Make lunches.
Drink coffee.
Check e-mail.
Get dressed.
"Wake-up" alarm goes off.
Make more coffee.
Put lunches and work bag on stroller.
Get boy clothes.
Change toddler.
(Toddler remains asleep. Good sign.)
Attempt to cloth Boy One.
Boy One refuses to cooperate.
Drink coffee.
Peruse Facebook.
Ponder the significance of my friend's post about which Disney Princess she is.
Decide I would like to be Mulan.
(That girl kicked ass.)
"Wake up the Boys" alarm goes off.
Attempt to pry Boy One from bed.
Resort to bribing Boy One to get up with promises of a yougart smoothie for breakfast.
"I hate yougart smoothies!"
Drink more coffee.
Toddler wakes, demands to be carried around the house.
Boy One resigns himself to the day.
Husband readies.
"Do you have the car keys?"
"You had the car keys."
"I don't have the car keys!"
Begin looking for car keys.
"Time to Leave" alarm goes off.
Continue looking for car keys.
Boy One asks incessant questions about God knows what.
"Please stop asking me questions right now, as it is very difficult for me to look for the keys, stay calm, and answer your questions. Could you do that for me?"
"Why haven't you found the keys yet? Where are they? Why is it hard to stay calm when I'm asking questions?..."
"Where did I put my coffee?"
"Are the keys still in the car?"
"I hadn't considered that."
Load kids and things into stroller. Stroll downstairs.
Roll stroller next to car door, try to activate touch-lock.
Door remains locked.
Remain calm.
Remove toddler from stroller.
Carry toddler upstairs.
Try to open door.
Door is locked.
Remember: I am a beautiful and unique snowflake.
Carry toddler downstairs.
Answer constant questions from Boy One.
Arrive at car.
No husband. No car key.
Remain calm!
Dig house key out of work bag.
Carry toddler upstairs, again.
Ignore Boy One's constant questions.
Find husband inside, seething.
"Did you find them yet?"
"No, not yet."
Try as hard as I can to remain calm and find keys while distracted by wiggly toddler, questioning child, and frustrated husband.
Try to think through the last time I drove the car.
Consider everything I did on Sunday.
Check the pockets from yesterday's pants.
Check the bin where we keep the laundry card.
Check the blue Ikea bag used for clean laundry.
Check the pocket of the other random bag I use for laundry.
Take key, husband, Boy One and Boy Two back to the car.
Unlock car door.
Pour children, lunches, and innumerable additional items into car.
Move make-up case, old McDonald's bag, and a brush from seat.
Sit down.
Allow my amazing husband to drive.
Exit garage.
Drop toddler at daycare.
Say good-bye to husband.
Drop Boy One at preschool.
Return to WoW  (World of Work).
Conquor the world, again.
Happy Monday, Everyone. May every single one of your mornings go better than mine did today.

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