How do I Feel?

In the tiny compartment
Between the top and bottom bunk
I can see clearly all that I have:

A safe place to live.
A pair of healthy boys.
A husband who loves and adores me.

I have all that one could ever desire,
Yet I lack.

What I lack can't be counted
On a survey
Or a worksheet

Because on paper,
I have everything.

Everything.

So how...

How do I feel

What my brain knows is real?
What others can see?
What is right before my eyes?

Rather than feeling the empty,
The spaces...

How can I focus on the all that I have,
And ignore the not...

Because my all is complete.

What is missing is within me.
And that I cannot fill,
Despite my grandest efforts,
No matter my contribution.

May the world grant me peace.

Peace and fulfillment.

As I wait, and I long...

To see myself as others do...
To accept the beauty that is my life...
To be beyond the feeling of nothing...

May the everything overwhelm the nothing.

May the nothing simply cease to be.

May I see my world as it is: full of love and possibly.

May the nothing melt away...

Away into the abyss.

And may the real conquer all.

May the real destroy the not
For the real is real,
And the missing is not.

What is not is not, nor can it wish to be.

May I see the is,
And live without the is not.

May it always be so.

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